Adventures with Rudy "The Ogler" Oglethorpe: The Ultimate Dick

The scene is a Las Vegas hotel. RUDY and his two friends are sitting at an indoor bar that opens out to the courtyard pool. It is the afternoon and they are sipping cocktails, gearing up for another night of raucous, offensive, nearly grotesque debauchery. Other than the three of them and the BARTENDER, the place is deserted.

Out of nowhere, a FAT MAN rushes up to the entrance of the bar in a distressed state. He's almost sweaty and is breathing heavily. Wearing only an enormous bathing suit, a fishing hat, flip flops and, stretched impossibly tight around his huge waist, a ridiculous red pool float that somewhat resembles a dragon, the man waves wildly at Rudy and his friends.

FAT MAN: Hey, did you guys hear? There's an ambulance out by the pool! Some guy...

RUDY: [interrupting loudly] Oh no! Is there a crisis in Fatty Land?

After a full second of silence, FAT MAN splutters for a moment and RUDY puts down his drink on the bar. His friends wear knowing smirks. The bartender keeps on watching TV, ignoring the drama that is unfolding.

RUDY: What is that you say? They're out of powder for the donuts in the Sweets Factories? The cheesecake assembly lines are lying dormant waiting for spare parts? How ever will the city produce enough doughy yummies to keep the country-folk in good rotund health? They need to take in the chocolate harvest soon or the first frosting will wipe out the whole crop! What ever will we do?

FAT MAN: [softly, suddenly unsure of himself] I'm not joking. This is serious.

RUDY: Wait! I know what we can do! We'll sing the Fatty Song! That always makes me feel better in times like this.

FAT MAN tries to interject, but RUDY cuts him off by singing an introductory note.

RUDY: Ooooooooohhhhhh...

[sung to the tune of the end credits song of Super Mario World]

When you are fat
Life can be tough.
When you are fat
People can be rough.
When you are fat
The world can be mean.
You're not sure on who to rely!

But don't you worry
Good times are ahead.
Oh don't you worry
You'll have friends instead,
Of the miserable life
You normally lead.
You've got to come to Fatty Land!

Oh no you better not cry my child
You better turn that frown upside down.
You better not complain about how you can't
Fit in the kiddie pool!

For, Fatty Land
Is where we all go
To feel right at home
Even though we might grow
So epically huge
That even Mom says:

It's time
To go
It's time
To come
To Fatty Land
To Fatty Land

Oh, Fatty Land
Has so many sweets.
Oh, Fatty Land
Just can't be beat.
Oh, Fatty Land
You make me so glad that:

It's time
To go
It's time
To come
To Fatty Land
To Fatty Land

Nobody loves
A fat kid, no
Nobody loves
A fat kid, no
No nobody loves
A fat kid, except:

In Fatty Land
In Fatty Land
In Fatty Land
In Fatty Fatty

Fat!
Fat, fat,
Fat, fat,
Fat, fat
Fat, fat!

Fatty Land!

There is a good thirty seconds of silence as FAT MAN stares straight ahead, gape-jawed. RUDY picks up his drink and takes a contented sip. His friends, who spent most of the song laughing quietly and shaking their heads, are looking expectantly at FAT MAN to see how he will react.

Somewhat disappointingly, to them, he merely rapidly shakes his for a moment, as if to shake away the memory of the last three minutes, and quietly walks away. The sound of his flip flops fade from the bar.

BARTENDER: Dude, you're a fucking dick.

RUDY: I know.

BARTENDER: [smiling] But, that was fucking hilarious.

RUDY: [smiling wider than ever] I know.

BARTENDER: I think you just made my week, man. Have a round on me, guys.

RUDY: Fuck yeah! [High fives his friends] The Ogler strikes again!