[ed. note: I recently obtained a copy of this splendid self-published volume and decided that I would share some choice parts with you, my readers, as a series of promotional articles. I hope you find the life of Barry James to be as enlightening as I have. While not among the greatest writers I've ever read, his 500-plus page masterpiece works more on a functional (dare I even say visceral?) level, while maintaining readability. I should know...I've already read it twice! Enjoy!]
Contrary to some of the stereotypes you may have heard concerning flatulators (whether amateur or professional) I consider myself to be a very cultured person. I attend classical music concerts and operas with great regularity. In fact, as long as the performers are at least somewhat on par with my world-class skills and talents, I often participate in the programme to give the audience that special surprise and pleasure that comes from recognizing that another, unannounced, world-class performer is in the house.
Indeed, when attending a concert hall at which I am a regular visitor, I sometimes catch myself scouring the pages of the programme looking for a little asterisk next to an aria. I imagine the note at the bottom of the page informing the patrons that Barry James, World-Class Flatulator may be in attendance and, if it pleases him, may choose to add some of his considerable talent to the piece. I've yet to find such a note, but I keep looking from time to time. In any case, lack of written public acknowledgement will never stop me from from practicing my love of flatulence!
For instance, let's pretend that we are seated in one of my favorite halls and a weepingly beautiful aria is currently caressing our ears. As an experienced performer, I will select the perfect time to perform my art. When the moment arrives, I will judge the mood of the crowd and react accordingly. If I want to keep it standard, I will usually go with a "semi-moist snap," (see pgs xiii-xxii for definitions of technical terms) or the lightly amusing "Surprised Buckaroo." If I really want to wow the crowd with a display of skill and control, I may go with a sharp, crisp "Warbling Muskrat." Though, I'd be most likely to pull out the "Oxford Clap" for an aria, as its dull, repetitive sound would not be too intrusive as to break the mood of the piece, but would be unmistakeably heard by all those in attendance. A four to four and a half second duration would suffice in that case.
As this is the introduction, I'll also note that I don't bother with controlling odor at outdoor venues, as breezes are too hard to predict. I thus focus solely on acoustics, as that is challenge enough when dealing with open environments. Inside a hall, I usually attempt to make the odor sharp, pungent (but not too malodorous) and brief, so that roughly two rows in front and behind me, and about five seats to my right and left, may turn their heads in acknowledgement, but not be too burdened by any lingering scents.
Young, would-be professional flatulators out there, take note! More selections from Barry James will be forthcoming as a service to you, as I know that it is notoriously difficult to get your hands on this book. I found it in the trash at a used bookstore, so I'm currently unable to give you any leads for tracking down more copies. Just keep your eyes open! If I hear anything, even just sad little rumors, I'll post about it immediately. Bon chance!
No comments:
Post a Comment