Clown at a circus --> Annoying
Clown at a birthday party --> Sad
Clown that is just around --> Creepy
If any of them are injured --> Funny
As a kind of public service announcement, I'd like to expand a bit on the whole "clowns that are just around are creepy" theme. Specifically, you have to account for balloons when determining the probability and degree of creepiness. This is how it works out:
(a) Clown with a whole bunch of balloons --> Probably Creepy
(b) Clown with no balloons --> Almost Certainly Creepy
(c) Clown with one balloon --> Definitely Ridiculously Creepy
(1) If (a) or (b) are injured --> Funny
(2) If (c) is injured --> Run for your fucking life because he's going to get you!
Some brief explanation is in order. I will try to shed some light on my terms and methodology using layman's terms whenever possible.
(a) A clown that is just standing around with a whole bunch of balloons might not be creepy. It could just be an average clown trying to make an honest living in these tough economic times by selling some balloons. Kids, and some adults, love balloons and would willingly walk up to a clown to purchase one or two in an attempt to brighten their day (or that of a friend or loved one).
However, bear in mind that this is a clown that is just around. He is not selling balloons outside of a circus or at a county fair, or even at an organized event of any kind, however misguided the attempt may be (think funerals). There is, in fact, a very high likelihood that this clown is using the balloons to lure unsuspecting victims within snatching/slashing/biting range. Like one of those deep-sea angler fish.
Just be wary if you see a clown like this.
(b) A clown that is just standing around with no balloons (the situation Martin was likely referring to) leaves very little room for a non-creepy explanation. It is inside the realm of possibility that this is an honest, salt-of-the-earth kind of clown that is just on a break from a circus or a birthday party. Maybe he just had a cigarette and is whiling away the minutes before he has to go back and perform.
It is much more likely though, that he is some variation of predatory, creepy-ass clown. You aren't near a circus, birthday party or any other organized event when you see this clown, are you? If not, stay the hell away from this guy, as he's probably waiting for someone just like you to let your guard down long enough for him to sneak up and shank you. Like a panther...with a shiv.
(c) Now, a clown that is just standing around with only a single balloon in his possession is absolutely, without a doubt, enormously creepy. Looking at him, you can practically hear him whispering at you in a raspy, deranged voice, "Come here and get your balloon. I've been saving it just for you!"
If you see a clown of this sort anywhere in your vicinity, get out of there. You may consider calling the cops once you are at a safe distance (note: if this is a demonic, magic clown you're dealing with, there is no safe distance - just hope he's after someone else).
Situation (1) is funny because injured clowns are hilarious, even if they were pretty creepy before sustaining said injury. The clown is most likely harmless now, as he will be tending to his wound(s) and ignoring your raucous laughter. That's fairly basic stuff.
Situation (2) is the stuff nightmares are made of. If your ridiculously creepy clown is just standing around holding a single balloon while nursing his blood-soaked side with his other hand...well, you know that not only is he psychotic, but he is also enraged and out for revenge on the first person he can find (because, as we were all taught in elementary school, horrific injuries only make psychotic clowns more pissed off). Don't want that person to be you? Then get the fuck out of there as fast as you can and call the cops as soon as you are at a safe distance (though, previous note about demonic, magic clowns applies here, too).
So there you have it. Creepy clowns abound, but knowing exactly what you're dealing with can easily be the difference between life and death. For, as we all know, knowing is half the battle.
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