An Expansion of the Martin Clown Theorem

Demetri Martin is a comedian of the "actually funny" variety. He has a theory of clowns in one of his bits that I find highly informative. It goes like this:

Clown at a circus --> Annoying

Clown at a birthday party --> Sad

Clown that is just around --> Creepy

If any of them are injured --> Funny

As a kind of public service announcement, I'd like to expand a bit on the whole "clowns that are just around are creepy" theme. Specifically, you have to account for balloons when determining the probability and degree of creepiness. This is how it works out:

(a) Clown with a whole bunch of balloons --> Probably Creepy

(b) Clown with no balloons --> Almost Certainly Creepy

(c) Clown with one balloon --> Definitely Ridiculously Creepy

(1) If (a) or (b) are injured --> Funny

(2) If (c) is injured --> Run for your fucking life because he's going to get you!

Some brief explanation is in order. I will try to shed some light on my terms and methodology using layman's terms whenever possible.

(a) A clown that is just standing around with a whole bunch of balloons might not be creepy. It could just be an average clown trying to make an honest living in these tough economic times by selling some balloons. Kids, and some adults, love balloons and would willingly walk up to a clown to purchase one or two in an attempt to brighten their day (or that of a friend or loved one).

However, bear in mind that this is a clown that is just around. He is not selling balloons outside of a circus or at a county fair, or even at an organized event of any kind, however misguided the attempt may be (think funerals). There is, in fact, a very high likelihood that this clown is using the balloons to lure unsuspecting victims within snatching/slashing/biting range. Like one of those deep-sea angler fish.



Just be wary if you see a clown like this.

(b) A clown that is just standing around with no balloons (the situation Martin was likely referring to) leaves very little room for a non-creepy explanation. It is inside the realm of possibility that this is an honest, salt-of-the-earth kind of clown that is just on a break from a circus or a birthday party. Maybe he just had a cigarette and is whiling away the minutes before he has to go back and perform.

It is much more likely though, that he is some variation of predatory, creepy-ass clown. You aren't near a circus, birthday party or any other organized event when you see this clown, are you? If not, stay the hell away from this guy, as he's probably waiting for someone just like you to let your guard down long enough for him to sneak up and shank you. Like a panther...with a shiv.

(c) Now, a clown that is just standing around with only a single balloon in his possession is absolutely, without a doubt, enormously creepy. Looking at him, you can practically hear him whispering at you in a raspy, deranged voice, "Come here and get your balloon. I've been saving it just for you!"

If you see a clown of this sort anywhere in your vicinity, get out of there. You may consider calling the cops once you are at a safe distance (note: if this is a demonic, magic clown you're dealing with, there is no safe distance - just hope he's after someone else).

Situation (1) is funny because injured clowns are hilarious, even if they were pretty creepy before sustaining said injury. The clown is most likely harmless now, as he will be tending to his wound(s) and ignoring your raucous laughter. That's fairly basic stuff.

Situation (2) is the stuff nightmares are made of. If your ridiculously creepy clown is just standing around holding a single balloon while nursing his blood-soaked side with his other hand...well, you know that not only is he psychotic, but he is also enraged and out for revenge on the first person he can find (because, as we were all taught in elementary school, horrific injuries only make psychotic clowns more pissed off). Don't want that person to be you? Then get the fuck out of there as fast as you can and call the cops as soon as you are at a safe distance (though, previous note about demonic, magic clowns applies here, too).

So there you have it. Creepy clowns abound, but knowing exactly what you're dealing with can easily be the difference between life and death. For, as we all know, knowing is half the battle.

The Other Blog

So, yeah. This where I go to be inappropriate, crass, and ridiculously weird. My other blog, A Spoonful of Vigour, is the "serious" one, but I have more aspects to my personality than that, so I felt the need for a safe space for silliness and debauchery. If that doesn't sound like your cup of tea, then please feel free to click the "back" button on your browser and return to the fiery chasm from whence you came.

Here it is. I call it Light Sweet Rude. I hope you enjoy that overly clever play on words.

To get things started, I'll say that I really have a problem with the whole, "If you're shaking it more than twice, you're playing with yourself," rule. I'm not sure who made that up and successfully perpetuated it throughout our culture, but it is total bullshit. I'm just going to lay it on the line: I need more than two shakes to get it done. Most of the time, it takes way more than two.

For the confused, I'm talking about the necessity of shaking out the penis when a guy is finished urinating to get out any residue urine from the urethra. I know, I'm getting really technical here, but this is an important issue for us.

Anyway, the problem is, two shakes is far from adequate for completely clearing the pipes. If you don't get it all out, little bits of piss will drip out into your pants after you've zipped up and walk away. Small globules of urine will leak out and either soak into your underwear or fall straight down and get your leg wet. If you're wearing thin pants (think slacks) it could even possibly soak in enough, down around your calves, to show on the outside - if you didn't shake enough and got yourself in that situation in the first place.

Answer me this: who really wants piss pants? Most of us left that behind in first grade and don't really expect to be going there again at least until very advanced old age.

So, that's why you have to shake a lot. Terrible consequences if you don't. I make sure the job is done before I pack it up and go home.

So, is it masturbation? Of course not! It is strictly functional. Getting the pee out is the name of the game. Whoever made up the "two shakes" rule clearly can't control their urges. The hard-ons only creep up in about one in every six or seven pisses. Jeez guys.