Ernie is out on the town, looking for some lovin' on the way to the post office. While standing at a corner, waiting for the walk signal, he appraises the fine piece of lady that has stopped next to him. He looks her up and down and finds her appropriate for his needs.
"Hey fine thing," he opens with his classic sexily sly smile.
The woman turns to him, half amused and half annoyed. "Are you talking to me?"
"Oh yeah sugar. You see that building over there?" He indicates the direction with a nod of his head.
"What, Planned Parenthood?" she asks, now genuinely confused.
"Mmmhmm. That's where you'll be headed by the time I'm finished with you. Oh yeah." He makes sure to give her 'The Look' to seal the deal.
Confusion turns to disgust on her face and she offers him a good, "Fuck off, creep," before walking forward as the light changes.
Ernie hangs back to admire her ass as she crosses the street. Aloud, he reassures himself, "That's just one 'no' closer to 'yes.' Oh yeah."
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I really thought I graduated already. Oh, I did, my brain just hates me
So, this comic (and the forum thread devoted to it) from xkcd proved to me that I'm not alone:
Note: click on the comic for a larger and more readable version
Mouse-over text: "The same goes for the one where you're wrestling the Green Ranger in the swimming pool full of Crisco. You guys all have that dream, right? It's not just me. Right?"
Seriously, it's been almost three years since I graduated from college and I'm still having dreams like this, probably once a month or so. The weird part is that the class I've haven't been attending is almost invariably a high school subject; mostly math or science, though one time my brain reached all the way back to middle school and had me missing a technology (aka "shop") class. You try working on a block of wood for a final project with a huge fucking machine that you have no idea how to use because you've missed the whole semester up to that point. Very, very stressful, to say the least.
Just last week I dreamed that I was out sick for almost an entire semester and was only barely able to show up in time for the final for a physics/earth science (it switched back and forth a bit) class; neither subject have I taken since high school, by the way. I talked to the professor, hoping to be able to take an "incomplete" until I could catch up on the material and take the exams properly. Unfortunately, the professor was a hard-ass and had only a kind of cruel sympathy for me. He said I could take all five tests I had missed and the final, but I had to do them all in the time reserved for the final and only that time. In other words, I had to complete seven hours of tests in two hours...for a class I had not been attending all semester. He was actually grinning wickedly as he told me this, the bastard.
So, I sat down at the kitchen table of my parents' house to take the tests (which didn't faze me in the slightest; it was a dream after all) and struggled to remember whatever I could from when I had taken the course in high school. Needless to say, I didn't get very far and the professor gleefully failed me.
But then I went back to my room, went on my computer and saw a hilariously clever science-related xkcd comic strip (I'm not kidding, I actually dreamed this) and e-mailed it to the professor. He was apparently impressed because he called me to his office to let me know that he was raising my grade to a D for sending him such a great comic. It clearly demonstrated that I had a better grasp of science than my test scores may have indicated, he said (with a much improved attitude I might add).
Of course, I immediately went out to brag to my friends that xkcd had prevented me from failing a class. It was pretty glorious, though I was still somewhat pissed about getting a D because I needed at least a C for my General Education requirements. Then I started having the typical doubts about reality demonstrated in the above comic ("Wait a minute, didn't I finish those already? Don't I have a real job now? Doesn't that mean I finished school?") Nevertheless, I woke up the way I always wake up from these dreams: panicky, grasping about in my mind for how much time I have left in the semester and cursing my procrastination until..."Damn it! Again? Hey, brain! Can you hear me? I GRADUATED! IT'S OVER!" Well, the first few times I had that kind of dream I said that to myself. Now, after a few dozen such occasions, I just sigh in resignation and rejoice that there's no such thing as homework for me anymore.
Really, I'm just glad to know I'm not the only one having that dream...and that I'm not having dreams of wrestling the Green Ranger in a swimming pool full of Crisco. That would be a rough way to spend the night.
Bonus: plausible stressful dreams that I have not had....yet.
1) I have to speak at Daffy Duck's funeral, but I can't remember what cartoon he was in and then realize that I barely knew him, but everyone is waiting for me, all teary-eyed and ready for a moving eulogy.
2) My dogs can talk, but all they do is follow me around the house berating me for not feeding them enough ("Is it time to eat yet? How about now? Now? Still not yet? What's the matter with you? I'm hungry! You're eating! What about now?").
3) Shrimp invasion.
4) The lunatic teabaggers decide they're going to protest me from now on. There's constantly tens of confused senior citizens and racist ignoramuses screaming nonsense up at my apartment windows. They follow me to and from work every day, on walks, out with my friends. I just kind of get used to them and ignore their incoherent ranting. They never stop until they die in a fit of irony (aka from a lack of adequate health insurance).
5) The New York Giants draft me to play basketball professionally, even though I try to insist that I suck. After feigning injury all season to get out of playing, it's the playoffs and they're down by one goal with only minutes left in the period. They're desperate for me to get in the game before it's too late. "Please, it's all riding on you Mike! We need you to come in and work your magic!" And I don't even know the rules to whatever incomprehensible game it is they're playing by this point in the dream.
6) All my books (I have several hundred; collectively, they're one of the few possessions I own that I truly care about, that rise above being "just stuff") are just gone one day and my roommates are completely nonchalant about it while I panic.
7) The DC squirrels are really highly intelligent extra-terrestrial beings who have been observing and judging humans. They finally decide that we're hopeless as a species and solemnly swear to annoy us all until we're driven to suicide. Though, come to think of it, I don't really think that's far-fetched enough. They're probably plotting as we speak. Keep your eyes on those critters.
Bonus for the bonus: a dream that I really did have this one time:
1) I had HUGE, droopy granny boobs. And I was still a man. When I reached up over my head for something, the bottom of my boobs were visible under my shirt. They could literally rest in my lap if I sat down. I was very confused and a bit concerned. When I woke up, I found my friend and told her, "I dreamt I had boobs down to HERE!" and indicated my waist. She was highly amused.
Note: click on the comic for a larger and more readable version
Mouse-over text: "The same goes for the one where you're wrestling the Green Ranger in the swimming pool full of Crisco. You guys all have that dream, right? It's not just me. Right?"
Seriously, it's been almost three years since I graduated from college and I'm still having dreams like this, probably once a month or so. The weird part is that the class I've haven't been attending is almost invariably a high school subject; mostly math or science, though one time my brain reached all the way back to middle school and had me missing a technology (aka "shop") class. You try working on a block of wood for a final project with a huge fucking machine that you have no idea how to use because you've missed the whole semester up to that point. Very, very stressful, to say the least.
Just last week I dreamed that I was out sick for almost an entire semester and was only barely able to show up in time for the final for a physics/earth science (it switched back and forth a bit) class; neither subject have I taken since high school, by the way. I talked to the professor, hoping to be able to take an "incomplete" until I could catch up on the material and take the exams properly. Unfortunately, the professor was a hard-ass and had only a kind of cruel sympathy for me. He said I could take all five tests I had missed and the final, but I had to do them all in the time reserved for the final and only that time. In other words, I had to complete seven hours of tests in two hours...for a class I had not been attending all semester. He was actually grinning wickedly as he told me this, the bastard.
So, I sat down at the kitchen table of my parents' house to take the tests (which didn't faze me in the slightest; it was a dream after all) and struggled to remember whatever I could from when I had taken the course in high school. Needless to say, I didn't get very far and the professor gleefully failed me.
But then I went back to my room, went on my computer and saw a hilariously clever science-related xkcd comic strip (I'm not kidding, I actually dreamed this) and e-mailed it to the professor. He was apparently impressed because he called me to his office to let me know that he was raising my grade to a D for sending him such a great comic. It clearly demonstrated that I had a better grasp of science than my test scores may have indicated, he said (with a much improved attitude I might add).
Of course, I immediately went out to brag to my friends that xkcd had prevented me from failing a class. It was pretty glorious, though I was still somewhat pissed about getting a D because I needed at least a C for my General Education requirements. Then I started having the typical doubts about reality demonstrated in the above comic ("Wait a minute, didn't I finish those already? Don't I have a real job now? Doesn't that mean I finished school?") Nevertheless, I woke up the way I always wake up from these dreams: panicky, grasping about in my mind for how much time I have left in the semester and cursing my procrastination until..."Damn it! Again? Hey, brain! Can you hear me? I GRADUATED! IT'S OVER!" Well, the first few times I had that kind of dream I said that to myself. Now, after a few dozen such occasions, I just sigh in resignation and rejoice that there's no such thing as homework for me anymore.
Really, I'm just glad to know I'm not the only one having that dream...and that I'm not having dreams of wrestling the Green Ranger in a swimming pool full of Crisco. That would be a rough way to spend the night.
Bonus: plausible stressful dreams that I have not had....yet.
1) I have to speak at Daffy Duck's funeral, but I can't remember what cartoon he was in and then realize that I barely knew him, but everyone is waiting for me, all teary-eyed and ready for a moving eulogy.
2) My dogs can talk, but all they do is follow me around the house berating me for not feeding them enough ("Is it time to eat yet? How about now? Now? Still not yet? What's the matter with you? I'm hungry! You're eating! What about now?").
3) Shrimp invasion.
4) The lunatic teabaggers decide they're going to protest me from now on. There's constantly tens of confused senior citizens and racist ignoramuses screaming nonsense up at my apartment windows. They follow me to and from work every day, on walks, out with my friends. I just kind of get used to them and ignore their incoherent ranting. They never stop until they die in a fit of irony (aka from a lack of adequate health insurance).
5) The New York Giants draft me to play basketball professionally, even though I try to insist that I suck. After feigning injury all season to get out of playing, it's the playoffs and they're down by one goal with only minutes left in the period. They're desperate for me to get in the game before it's too late. "Please, it's all riding on you Mike! We need you to come in and work your magic!" And I don't even know the rules to whatever incomprehensible game it is they're playing by this point in the dream.
6) All my books (I have several hundred; collectively, they're one of the few possessions I own that I truly care about, that rise above being "just stuff") are just gone one day and my roommates are completely nonchalant about it while I panic.
7) The DC squirrels are really highly intelligent extra-terrestrial beings who have been observing and judging humans. They finally decide that we're hopeless as a species and solemnly swear to annoy us all until we're driven to suicide. Though, come to think of it, I don't really think that's far-fetched enough. They're probably plotting as we speak. Keep your eyes on those critters.
Bonus for the bonus: a dream that I really did have this one time:
1) I had HUGE, droopy granny boobs. And I was still a man. When I reached up over my head for something, the bottom of my boobs were visible under my shirt. They could literally rest in my lap if I sat down. I was very confused and a bit concerned. When I woke up, I found my friend and told her, "I dreamt I had boobs down to HERE!" and indicated my waist. She was highly amused.
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