Lame Super Powers

Now, there is a restaurant in Delaware named "Crabby Dick's," but that is really neither here nor there. For the moment, let's focus on super powers that really won't get you very far if you are out to either (a) rule the world or (b) be all straight edge and stop people from ruling the world.

POWER # 1 = Microwave Ass

-Being ever-ready-and-able to "cook" a Hot Pocket inside your traveling microwave/anus isn't really that great, as convenient as that is, because you will only, amazingly, succeed at making Hot Pockets taste even more like ass. On the bright side, if you are a foot soldier in an evil villain's army, you can easily be converted into a suicide bomber: just stick a (metal) fork in your ass and you're done.

POWER # 2 = No-Scratch Throat

-"Look at him go! He's been coughing non-stop for days and his voice still isn't hoarse! He's amazing!" Yeah. Unless your goal is to set the world record for random offers for cough-drops in a one week period, this power likely won't get you very far. Perhaps you can drive people insane with your constant, pain-free hacking, snorting and throat-clearing, but you're probably more likely to succeed, and faster, with the most annoying sound in the world.

POWER # 3 = Hot Sauce For Blood

-The xenomorphs from the Alien series have fantastically corrosive acid for blood, making it incredibly dangerous to kill them. You have a solid job at a South of the Border restaurant after state regulators waived a section of the health code, allowing you to bleed on customers' nachos. The kids love the novelty of it and squeal with delight as you wince with pain after opening yet another wound on your scarred arm with a steak knife, dripping tastiness. You drink lots of Bloody Marys (instead of orange juice) to regenerate. When you get real drunk, your blood actually is kind of like a Bloody Mary. It all comes crashing down when the makers of Tabasco sue you and win in district court, resulting in an injunction ordering you to never come within 50 yards of an establishment that sells food. You fall hard, spending years in back alleys, cutting for hobos with chips and water, looking for a hotness fix. When you finally take your own life, the detectives dip their snacks in the pool of your blood on the floor when they think no one is looking. Years later and, alas, far too late for you, it is discovered that you would have made the coolest vampire and/or zombie ever.

POWER # 4 = Vocoder Voice

-What was once a pop music fad to everybody else, is an every day reality for you. Since birth, you can only speak like your voice is going through a vocoder. It makes ordering from the drive-thru window damn near impossible. Nobody likes to talk to your for more than three and a half minutes. You're the only one who can accurately sing that Imogen Heap song when out doing karaoke, but you're not going to be taking down super villains any time soon.

POWER # 5 = Super Slowness

-They may say, "slow and steady wins the race," but we all know that that's bullshit. You are the Usain Bolt of slowness and you've never won a race in your life. Well, unless you count that one morning when you raced to the tree, but the other kid fell, hurt her knee and went home crying; you "won" sometime late the next evening before being treated by medical professionals for exhaustion, dehydration and exposure. Next to a glacier you look pretty quick, but it is close enough to be a valid comparison. Perhaps it may be said that you have super-human patience, but you really don't have any choice about the fact that it takes you 90 minutes to put on flip flops. When you were a kid, you believed with all your heart that you would get a really long life-span to compensate (like maybe 10,000 years), but testing done in your teenage years showed that you were aging normally. Life may be a bitch, but yours is a torturous, mean-spirited, manically cackling bitch. You decide to become an evil villain to get back at all the kids that held cookies in front of your face, only to pull them away 30 minutes later when your hand had just about reached them. You hatch a plan for world domination and begin implementing it immediately. In several decades you expect to complete Stage 1: Buying a Lawn Mower and a Pair of Pliers. Humankind awaits its fate with bated breath and barely concealed indifference.

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Oh, and did I mention that there's a restaurant named "Crabby Dick's" in Delaware? Seriously.

Hawker: "Come getchya Crabby Dick's here!"

Boy: "Oh mommy, can we?"

Mom: "Hmmm...well okay, just this once. Don't tell your father. Oh...oohhhh. It's a restaurant. I was totally thinking of something else. Awkwaaard~!"

Boy: "......mommy?"