Ado about Adu

We join a crowd of good show-goers, eagerly awaiting the next act of the night. The entertainment in the old vaudeville style theater, complete with balconies and thick deep red curtains currently closed across the stage, has been outstanding and our friendly crowd is in a spectacularly good mood. The juice jug juggling Johnson Brothers were quite the hit, but they were easily outdone by the Dapper Dawdling Dachshund Dandies! And the Fancy Fiddling Florentine Flamingo dancers were almost too much!

By the time we come in, our dear audience is breathlessly awaiting the secret finale act of the evening. The MASTER OF CEREMONIES has retaken the stage amid excited murmuring. His familiar, pompous voice washes over the theater.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Yes, yes ladies and gentlemen, one more round of applause please for the Great Gregorius and his garrulous group of gawking ganders! [polite, but sincere applause] You have been such a wonderful crowd this evening that I, and all our performers I'm sure, will be just brokenhearted to see you go. But, before you take your leave, we have for you, as promised, our final mystery finale! Now, I know this is the moment you have all been waiting for, so without further ado, I give you Adu!

[silence]

MAN IN CROWD #1: I thought you said there wasn't going to be any more ado?

WOMAN IN CROWD #1: Yeah, we want the final act!

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: No, no! The final act is Adu!

MAN IN CROWD #2: Hey, I didn't come here to see a bunch of ado! We have enough of that at home!

[murmuring, including a few "Quite right!"s]

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: [slightly non-plussed] I'm very sorry about your troubles at home, but Adu is the final act. That's the secret! I'm sure you'll love the show! [he starts clapping but very few people join in]

MAN IN CROWD #1: But we don't want ado. We thought there was going to be a real show.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: I assure you that Adu is most certainly...

MAN IN CROWD #3: [interrupting] Hey, you aren't going to put on that stupid play Much Ado About Nothing, are you? I hate Greek comedies!

WOMAN IN CROWD #2: That isn't a Greek play, you dunderhead! It's English! Everyone knows that was one of Lord Byron's best.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: [his frustration increasing] Look...first of all, Shakespeare wrote that one and second, we are not putting on a play! As I've already told you, we're closing with Adu!

MAN IN CROWD #2: Well, I can tell you this ado isn't very impressive. I'm not feeling very entertained.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: What? [rearing himself up, trying to get his mojo working again] You haven't even seen Adu yet! I'm telling you, what you've seen so far is nothing compared to the great Adu you will see here in mere moments!

WOMAN IN CROWD #1: Oh c'mon, we've had enough of your ado! Have you got anything else?

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: [spluttering]

MAN IN CROWD #4: This is thievery, this is. We didn't pay good money to see you go, "Ado, ado, ado, ado..."

MAN IN CROWD #5: Ah, what do you bloody Irish know about a good show anyway? I'm having a right good time watching you blokes blabber on!

[shouting, cursing and general tumult]

MAN IN CROWD #4: Who was that? Why don't you say it to my face like a man, you dog!

[tumult continues to grow, with popcorn flying around the room and pairs of individuals almost coming to blows]

MAN IN CROWD #3: Shakespeare was Irish and a fat lot of good it did him!

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: [desperately trying to regain control of the situation] Please people, please! Everyone just calm down. I'm sure no one means anyone else any harm. [things start to subside a little, but the theater is still buzzing] We're really so happy to have you here, but I absolutely must insist that everyone settle down for our final act.

WOMAN IN CROWD #2: Is this it?

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: [somewhat back in form again] Why, my dear lady, our Adu hasn't even begun! Now, if you'll please...

MAN IN CROWD #1: Not even begun! I was almost starting to enjoy your ado, actually.

MAN IN CROWD #2: Oh come off it, this is rubbish!

WOMAN IN CROWD #1: I'm in full agreement with that. The Colonel and I are a hair's breadth from leaving the theater right now!

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: [desperate, once again] Please, you haven't even given Adu a chance!

WOMAN IN CROWD #2: I think we've had quite enough of your ado! [many "Yeah!"s]

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Really! What could you people possibly have against Adu?

MAN IN CROWD #2: Enjoy the ado everyone, I'm off. [sneeringly, as he gets up to leave] Cheers!

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Everyone please remain seated, and the show will resume! Adu will begin shortly.

[A number of other people get up from their seats and begin filing from the theater. There is a general din as people discuss whether to leave or not. The MASTER OF CEREMONIES ducks behind the curtain to speak with ADU.]

ADU: [whispering] What's the big to do?

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: [whispering as well] I don't know! They really seem to not want to hear anything about you. Did you play a real flop of a show here a couple of years ago or what?

ADU: No, I've never even been to this town before.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: [looking back through the curtain] Argh! Half the theater has walked out already! Sorry, it looks like you won't be able to go on tonight.

ADU: [looks] Some of them look happy, though! It appears that the ado about Adu became the show after all, didn't it? Somewhere, the ghost of John Cage is laughing his head off.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: [muttering] Well, we aren't giving out refunds, I'll tell you that. Wait, what? Jim who?

ADU: Never mind.

[They are about to walk backstage when MAN IN CROWD #3, who had wandered on to the stage, flies through the curtains.]

MAN IN CROWD #3: I heard you talking about Johnny Cage! He was my favorite Street Fighter 2 character ever! Do you know him?

ADU: [blinks for a moment] Mind if I knock this man out?

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Be my guest.

[ADU pushes MAN IN CROWD #3 back through the curtains and deals him such a blow to the side of the head that it sends him wheeling back into the seats, out cold. The MASTER OF CEREMONIES bursts through the curtains as well.]

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: [waves his arms at the triumphal ADU] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Adu!

The remaining people stare at the frozen scene for a moment before shaking their confused heads and leaving.